Does it ever seem like you go through the same painful scenario over and over? The person you are dealing with might be different, but the situation seems familiar. I didn’t understand why this was happening again. Why didn’t the Lord just get rid of this and heal it? Why was I continually in these painful, similar situations?
What I didn’t realize was that there was a little Colette inside of me who couldn’t deal with all the pain she experienced when she young, so she got frozen inside.
It was a way for little Colette to cope with things she couldn’t deal with. The pain was still real, but she couldn’t feel it anymore. She was numb! Then when little Colette grew up and became an adult, adult Colette looked at poor little Colette and wanted nothing to do with her. Adult Colette was ashamed of who she had been.
Since I was ashamed of the little me that I had left behind I didn’t want to be reminded of her. So when I was around someone who had similar insecurities and hurts to my left behind little self, I didn’t want to be around them. I didn’t like them and I couldn’t understand why. What was wrong with me that I could feel hatred for someone else that obviously needed love and attention? This problem area went on for years in my recovery. I would get anxious around people similar to what little Colette had been like and I wanted to get away from them. It was very troubling to me that I did this.
Then when going through this yet again I felt the Lord say to me, “Are you ready to stay still and let Me deal with this?” “Will you quit running away from yourself and face this pain with Me?”
So I decided to stay with the pain. I really opened my heart to Him.
I really looked at the little me that I had left behind that I was ashamed of. I didn’t try to escape into my head or run off somewhere else to escape dealing with it. I stayed with Him and little Colette and our pain. I looked at her and I looked at Jesus. I needed to acknowledge her and that she was a part of me, and give her and me to Him. All of me together with Jesus! I opened my heart totally and gave all the parts of me to Him. Even the parts of me that I was ashamed to look at. All of it and all of me!
He can’t heal those areas that are frozen, disconnected and locked away inside of me.
He can of course because He is God, but no matter how many times I thought I had given Him all of me, there was someone I had left behind. If I had left behind little me, how could I bring her to Him for healing? I had to bring all of me to Him to be healed and set free!
I believe one of the reasons I learned all of this is so I could share it with you.
I know that He loves us all and wants us all to be free!