I don’t know about you, but when someone pushes one of my shame buttons it turns ugly real quickly. My shame buttons usually get pushed by someone close to me, but it can happen from a total stranger as well.
I have areas in my past that were very painful. We all have them. I didn’t understand shame for a lot of my life. I just blindly reacted to it very destructively.
I had a lot of rejection in my childhood and teenage years. It even carried over into adulthood. I learned to expect rejection so I created it by my mindset. I didn't understand that for a long time but it was true.
Shame can come from something as simple as a look, or it can be as big as someone saying or doing something really demeaning to you.
I had areas that I was very insecure about. Many of my insecurities had to do with my looks. I was made fun of and rejected by many people because of my looks. I had a weight problem and skin problems. I was teased by family, friends and strangers. I was also not good in school. I struggled in every area except art. When I spoke I would get teased, so I was afraid to speak up both at school and at home. I was extremely insecure.
Because of these things and the negativity that I grew up with, I had shame for who I was. I looked at everyone else as better than me. When I was made fun of, I would just disappear or disassociate from reality. I was always looking for someone to tell me I was okay. I wanted a boyfriend like other girls had, but boys ran away from me instead. They said horrible things to me. That hurt me very badly. I thought I was worthless and I lived in my head in self-pity or fantasyland.
This kind of rejection can cause us to have shame buttons. Memories of pain hidden deep inside! Past pain that comes up and rears its ugly head. It is like someone pushes a big button on my head and shame screams out. I react because of fear of rejection. Shamed people can lash out in defensiveness!
I have now learned tools to deal with shame. I need to acknowledge it, feel it and share my pain with the Lord inside of me. Sometimes though, if I let my negative thoughts about myself get the best of me, I spiral downward in shame. Shameful rejected thoughts can start racing in my head, and if I allow or entertain the racing thoughts I will plummet down quickly into a shame spiral. If I keep going downward I can end up with a full panic attack so I have to get those thoughts under control right away!
When I have allowed negative obsessive thoughts to race in my head I cannot trust a single, solitary thought going on up there! Not even one!
If I reason at all with that negative shame I will spiral downward and it is not good. I have to say, “NO!” I will not go there! Then I have to focus on the Lord deep inside of me, and hide there with Him in the quiet until the storm passes.
I can’t try to figure out anything, or reason with all the negative.
I just stay still with the Lord deep inside, feel Him there, and keep my attention turned to Him deep inside of me.
If I see others that are struggling with their shame, either because of their own thinking or someone else’s careless words or behavior, I can usually sense it. I am sensitive to it and I can recognize the downward spiral.
When people overreact in a large way to what seems to be a small issue, they are usually dealing with the shame caused by a childhood issue. Shame spirals usually come from something that happened in childhood. There is emotional healing that needs to take place, but until that happens people in a shame spiral might react with words they wish they could take back later on. I know this because of my own experience!
When I learned to let myself feel, quit beating myself up and when I quit arguing with my own negative obsessions and just stayed hidden inside with the Lord in the stillness inside of myself with Him, I started to heal from a lot of old pain.
When I learned to let myself be okay just the way I am and changed my self-talk to allow myself to be okay with me, I healed more and more.
I still have painful areas that cause shame and fear to rise up, but they have so much less hold on me, because I don’t give them room in my head anymore.
I have to be the one to take care of my thinking about myself. No one else can do it for me!
It wasn’t until I learned to be inside with the Lord and be still with Him there, that I could get a handle on the shame thought life! It didn’t matter how many external voices that would tell me I was okay, I couldn’t believe it or receive it until I could get inside with Him and believe it from the inside out.
I had to give up my fear of feeling. I didn’t realize how afraid I was at the time, but that fear caused me all kinds of problems.
I learned that feelings will not kill me, but running from them will.
I hide inside with Him, and I try not to allow condemning voices in my head under any circumstances. I work on not allowing the voice of rejection or fear of failure in my head at all.
I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be okay, no matter who they are.
The Lord and I are okay right this minute, and that is all I need. Now I am free to love others! Before this I had nothing in me to give!