For a lot of my life I operated out of need. I would have argued with you if you told me that because I looked at myself as a caring, giving person. I cared deeply for hurting people and what they went through. I wanted to help them. But, when it came right down to it, my need for something out of it was greater than my love.
I don’t think that made me bad. It came out of a broken place; a place of lack. A place of emptiness. I wanted to love, but I didn’t have enough in me to give. I wanted to show the love of Jesus to others but instead there was a big gaping hole inside, so the need in me was bigger than the love I could give to others.
There were many things I tried to fill that lack with, but none of them ever worked. Even at my very best times of loving and giving to others, there was still a nagging ache inside that it was really about me. I needed to be needed. I needed to please to get approval. I needed to be validated. I needed to be special.
At the same time I wanted to be someone who was free to love others and to give, it just wasn’t working for me. I was doing good things. I was serving. I was giving. I wanted to do good things for Jesus so He would approve of me. I wanted to help and to give and love. Why was it so hard?
Knowing who I am in Christ and knowing that I belong to Him does bring the sense of belonging that I need. It is just that this information needs to get from my head to my heart. Knowing that God loves me and I am special to Him is a nice thought. It might make me feel all giddy or teary eyed but does it fill up the empty spot inside if I keep it only as a thought? I can recite that I am a child of God all day long but if it doesn’t get to my heart it just is a recital. It will work for a momentary feel good but it must get to our hearts, or our belief system.
If I use my imagination and picture Jesus inside of me with His hands coming toward me and my hand going into His, it feels really good. Nothing is better than His touch. Imagining and feeling works a whole lot better to fill up the empty hole than just a thought. Believing that I have a Papa in heaven that loves me will help to fill up that hole inside, but if my mind and belief system keeps saying things to me about my lack and what is wrong with me, then it will be difficult to keep my love tank full.
I need a full love tank so when I go out to love others there won’t be any empty part of me with needs trying to be met. Feeling satisfaction for a job well done is alright, it is quite different than needing accolades for something I do.
If I realize that I have been giving to someone with motives not entirely pure, I don’t beat myself up about it. That is the worst thing I can do to myself. The best thing I can do is to talk to the Lord about it and let Him know that I realize I had some need going on and pray that He will help me with it. I ask forgiveness and surrender my neediness to Him.
If my intention is to love purely and my heart and desires are pure, but I realize there is some lack in me that still needs to be healed, it doesn’t mean that I sit around and not do anything waiting to be perfect, but it is important to aware when I am operating out of need or lack instead of pure love and surrender it. I surrender my heart to the Lord to open up and do the surgery in me. Give Him permission to remove the corrosion.
It is something that is important for me to recognize and share with the Lord. He is the one who has to fill that empty space with His love and acceptance of me. I can’t make myself better out of just doing. The doing is not what is going to make me whole. It is in the being with Him and not just the doing for Him. Sharing with Him about my inner world is what brings intimacy. I feel my insides deeply and share it all with Him. I give Him my hurts and pain and let Him come into all those empty spaces and fill them in with His love glue.
I am kind of like a big jig saw puzzle being put together into a beautiful picture. He comes and puts glue between the pieces so the beautiful picture stays together and doesn’t fall apart like a puzzle will do without the pieces glued together.
He is making something beautiful out of me. I just need to stay still and let Him hover over me. Let Him hover over my pain and fears. Be with me and fill me up with Him. See Him reaching out to me in love. He is the only one who can fill up the empty lack inside of me.