For a lot of my life i had nothing to give. I might do some nice, caring things for others but I couldn’t give me. I had a big empty hole inside and I spent most of my waking hours trying to get someone to fill it up, or thinking about a time when someone did say or do something to fill me up. I planned in my head how I would get what I needed in the future. I didn’t do all of this on purpose of course. I wanted to love others and give love like Jesus wanted me to but mostly I just needed, and I would hate myself for it. More and more I was hating myself.
I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know what it was or how to make it better. I carried shame with me. I wasn’t good enough, smart enough or pretty enough and I wanted to be anyone else but me. When I would try and go out to love others or give to others, the big hole inside of me was looking around at everyone else asking, “Will anyone out there tell me I am okay?” “Will anyone say I am pretty or meaningful or loved?” When I did get some attention from someone then I would feed off of that little crumb to try to convince myself that i was really okay.
When little children dress up or do something cute and want attention we think it is so adorable, but if that little child doesn’t get that attention and the eyes of approval that they need when they are young they grow up and still have eyes going out looking for approval, and an adult doing that is not quite as cute as when a child is doing it! I was an adult walking around looking for someone’s eyes to tell me that I was special. Needy insecure people seem to run others off, which just convinces the shamed person that they are worthless like they already believe and the hole of shame just gets bigger.
Usually people with shame holes inside draw to themselves other people with the same issues and they try to get from the other needs met that neither of them have to give. These situations can turn toxic very quickly and verbal and physical abuse starts snowballing in the relationship.
I was told for many years that I was my own worst enemy. I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t know what to do about it. I knew I hated those words! Somehow my negativity would just mess things up. I was my own worst enemy. I was on a downward spiral and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I felt out of control and helpless. Then the anxiety started. The negative obsessive “What ifs” began to make me crazy. Somehow I had to stop and make myself better for God! I beat myself up for not being a good christian or not being able to live like I thought I should.
I finally hit a wall. There was nothing else I could do to help myself. Nothing was working! I had to let go of trying to get better for God! I had to stop the hamster wheel in my head and get off the merry go round and just be in the moment with the Lord. I had to let go of outcomes and just be with Him. Feel and stay in the moment with Him and let Him take care of the next moment. When I quit running in circles either physically or mentally and just stayed still with Him, I started to rest.
I quit looking for something outside of myself to give me worth and fill up my empty hole inside, and instead stayed in the moment with Him. I let Him control the outcome and trusted Him to make me better, I started to sense Him inside. I believed before that the kingdom of God was within, but it hadn’t been real to me, it was just a thought. When it became real and I knew that Jesus was living inside of me, I started to get filled up. I didn’t feel empty anymore.
The reality was that nothing outside of myself was going to give me value! My value was from Him in me and me in Him! Thinking about who I was in Him didn’t do it because that was just a thought also. Not to say that thinking about who I am in Him is a bad thing, but I had to stop the thoughts and focus on Him inside and the reality that right this very minute He is living inside of me and I can feel Him there. It has to get into the heart and sometimes we have to stop the thinking so we give our heart a chance to feel. He is mine and I am His and we hold hands on the inside.
There is nothing or no one outside of myself that can take that away from me. The empty hole is gone!
Jesus and me are so close inside of me that He is the air that I breathe. He takes each step with me. If I live every moment this way, then there is nothing outside of myself that can take that away. Whatever goes on inside of me I can share with Him because He is in there with me going through it with me. No matter what goes on outside of me or inside of me, there is nothing me and the Lord can’t handle together one second at a time! He is my love forever!