I have suffered with responsibility issues for a long time, but I didn't know that was the problem.
I would realize or be confronted with something I had either done wrong or neglected to do right, or I would find myself in the same dumb situation once again, and I would say “I am wrong, what a stupid idiot I am, I shouldn’t have done this or that, and I am dumb, how did I get in this situation again. (Of course I know these are not good things to say to myself).
Then, instead of feeling the pain in my heart and grieving it, I would turn on myself and continue to say mean, shaming things to myself, about myself, or blaming and putting myself down.
Or, I might do the opposite, and look at someone else and blame them for the whole thing justifying myself, to myself, because the other person is just wrong.
I might even apologize and say I was wrong, but if my head is still blaming another it will profit me very little.
Taking responsibility in my head only is very tormenting, and can be recognized by things I say to myself like, 'I should of, I shouldn’t have, why was I so dumb, couldn’t I have done better' and these kind of thoughts, just to name a few.
Instead of saying these things to myself, which are just ways to escape feeling the feelings of the situation, I just need to let myself feel. Stop the crazy head and stay still with the Lord. Stop and feel!
Psalm 51:6 says “Behold You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.” David wrote this after Samuel confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba.
He didn’t want to take responsibility for what he did, as his response to Samuel showed, but when confronted straight on he knew that God requires truth in the inward parts. He allowed himself to feel and grieve what he had done.
In these days of positive confessions and not allowing shame to be put on us, and in our emphasis on declaring good things, it gets easy to forget about the balance. It is important not to ignore one part for the other. God wants us to be joyful and positive, but a broken heart/spirit in the inward parts is sometimes also needed.
When we are being confronted with a situation where we have done something wrong, or neglected to do the right thing, and we look at the person or situation and saying to ourselves, “I don’t need this kind of abuse or toxic behavior in my life, maybe I just need to get away from here.”
Maybe instead, before we depart and get the heck out of there, it might be good to look at ourselves, and go to our inward parts with the Lord and ask what is our part is in the situation. What part am I responsible for?
I have to do this a lot, especially in my work environment. It seems that I react to a lot of issues from my childhood that I don’t want to deal with. For some reason God does want us to deal with them, though. Maybe it is because He knows that is where we will find freedom if we do.
There is almost always another side to the situation than what we think is going on in our own minds.
As children that was not the case. Children can experience abuse and horrible situations through no fault of their own and have no responsibility at all in it. Not so as adults. We usually do have a part.
Of course I am not talking about if we are physically or sexually abused, but in normal situations we usually have a part, even if we feel like we are just the victims.
We are usually doing something to perpetuate things that can only be found by sitting still with God and feeling our deep inward parts.
We can be anywhere, at any time allowing God in our inward parts and feeling our feelings.
For me it is usually at my workplace, because I am faced with more situations that push my buttons there than most anywhere else.
I don’t wait until I get home and go in my bedroom and close the door to do my inward parts work with God. I do it right where I am in the middle of my work day. My mind can still focus on my work even while feeling my inward work with God. He is always with us, inside of us and us in Him.
Allowing ourselves to feel this pain in our hearts, instead of allowing our heads to go crazy with accusations can go a long way toward health and wholeness with ourselves and with others.
Psalm 51:7 says “Purge me with hyssop (an herb used for cleansing) wash me and I will be whiter than snow.” This being whiter than snow part comes after having a broken and contrite heart/spirit in the inward place.
All this happens inside, as it is an inside job. If we only keep it in our heads blaming ourselves or others then we can’t get to the whiter than snow part.
Of course I know that Jesus has cleansed us once for all, but it is still very important to take responsibility for our part. It is part of our process; otherwise we just keep running from things and piling more garbage on top of ourselves to deal with, and sometimes we get to a place where the garbage is too deep and we just can’t breathe anymore.
If the same kinds of problems keep showing up in our lives with different people, it might be time to take a good look at ourselves in our inward parts.
I struggled with this for so long! It was not an easy process for me. It was only possible for me by stopping myself and staying still with God deep inside my inner parts, in the pain, and let Him show up for me.
When I did see the ugly, I would have to let myself feel the pain and grieve it. When I would see how many times I allowed this ugly in my life by my own behaviors it would not feel very good, and I would want to escape to my thoughts to get away, or escape some other way, but if I stayed still inside with the Lord, I came out on the other side stronger and better.
I went through this not so long ago. I was facing the same old situation once again and I was ready to get out of there, when I heard the Lord say to me, “Are you just going to sit still for once and let me deal with this thing?”
I was at work when this happened. I still sat at the front desk and I listened. You better believe I listened! It hurt inside really badly, but I felt Him in there doing surgery, without anesthesia.
It was a big breakthrough for me though, and I have been in process for a long time, and it is ongoing.
Inward pain brings cleansing and healing. Looking in our heads brings torment, and anxiety! Big difference between the two results!
If you have been running for a long time, like I did for so long, try staying still with Him. It is so much better!