One of the worst things I have done to myself was to beat myself up mentally when struggling with a fault, weakness or sin. Shame quickly got the better of me and in that moment when I needed to run to Jesus, I would look away from Him instead. Then I would start to say horrible, negative shaming things to myself about myself! I used to live constantly like this.
It happened to me very quickly if I let certain kinds of self-talk go on in my head which create expectations such as: “I should be doing better at this by now; If I was a good Christian then I wouldn’t have these sort of problems; I need to handle these things so He will accept me or love me, I should not allow this in my life; I should do this; I shouldn’t do that; I should love more, I should be more like so and so” etc.
There are many ways I can have these kinds of thoughts, and I am sure that yours might look different than mine, but this kind of thinking will get me into shame and torment. Guess what happens if I get into this kind of shame thinking? I end up looking away from the One that I need to look to! I run away instead of run to.
I need to look right at Him instead of trying to take care of my stuff by my own will.
I need to tell Him how I need Him to do it for me. I give it to Him in my heart and let go of it in my head.
It is so easy to let this negative shame tell me lies in my head. It gets to me so slowly, it just creeps in. I start to look away and into self-reliance to make myself better for Him.
In that moment when I catch myself start to look away, out of shame, or rebellion or whatever, that is when I need to quickly turn and look at Him. See Him and let Him see me, and tell Him what I need Him to do it for me.
I tell Him I don’t want to look away. I tell Him I want to look to Him and run to Him! No matter what, I don’t want to look away! I want to run to the one who knows me best and loves me anyway! I open my heart to Him because He alone is the good surgeon. I never want to look away in shame.